Mini Skirts and Red Shirts
by Jen717
Summary: A bunch of short stories about the Enterprise getting a certain new uniform. Mostly funny, sometimes weird. Always crazy. CHAPTER THREE: The Captain's shirt keeps getting ripped... and ripped, and ripped! Please R&R!
1. The Uniform

**Disclaimer: I own nobody. ****Paramount**** does. I don't own the uniforms, either. Again, ****Paramount****. sigh**

A few days ago, Archer had been talking to Admiral Forrest via comm. link, and had a big grin on his face the whole time. He said new uniforms and regulations were on their way and should be delivered within the next few days by an Earth cargo vessel. The _Horizon_ was arriving today.

Archer rounded a corner in the silver-walled corridor, and was met with people bustling around the transporter pad. Malcolm was on the platform, taking shiny containers off of the pad for more to be transported aboard. Trip was operating the transporter, Mayweather was stacking the cases in half a dozen tall rows against the corridor wall, and T'pol and Hoshi were checking the name tags attached to the container's handles and were delivering them to the crew.

"Captain," Hoshi called as he approached. "This one's for you." She handed him one of the large containers she had been balancing in her arms.

Archer took it from her, and found that it was heavy. "Thanks Hoshi." He glanced at the other containers Mayweather was stacking, and shook his head in confusion.

"Any idea what's going on?" Trip asked, glancing over his shoulder at the captain.

"Not quite." Archer said, sharing a grin with his engineer.

Moving over to Mayweather's stack of containers, Archer took a couple from the top and checked the name tags. T'pol and Hoshi could probably use some help delivering these things to the crew.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Archer tossed his container onto his bed gratefully. After an hour of delivering those blasted, heavy things, his arms felt like jelly. He bent down and petted an eager Porthos, rubbing his head and scratching behind his ears, and he barked at him contentedly.

Sitting down on his bed beside the container, he carefully pried up the lid and peered inside. A few layers of bubble wrap kept him from seeing anything past it. Taking it out, and popping some of the bubbles as he went, he could see something brightly coloured nestled in the container. He pulled it out, unfolded it…. A shirt. It was a bright yellow shirt, with gold rank bands around the wrists, and a black neckline. A three-pointed star was embedded on the top right of the chest. It had a design in the center, symbolizing command. There was more in the box. Black pants, and new boots. A new uniform.

There was a padd in the container as well. Archer put the clothes down beside him and read what the Admiral had written.

_Jon, Starfleet has come up with a new uniform for all personnel to wear. For whatever reason, HQ believes it better represents human clothing. Women wear skirts, men wear pants. Though I believe the uniforms could do with slightly less blinding colours._

_I've included in this note instructions on how the uniform is to be worn, appropriate hairstyles for the ladies, etc. Dress uniforms and others will be delivered on your next stop to Earth._

Archer noticed there were several more "pages" to the Admiral's note, and flipped through them. There were drawings of the uniforms, all of them. The dress uniforms, duty uniforms, the ladies mini-skirts…. Archer raised an eyebrow at the sight of them.

Porthos barked at him eagerly.

"Sorry, buddy. Nothing here for you."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

With the dim golden glow of meditation candles still burning, T'pol placed the layers of padding on her desk beside where the heavy container sat. She could see the dim form of folded fabric inside, and pulled out a form-fitting mini-skirt. T'pol blinked, the Vulcan equivalent of gaping. It was bright blue, and the skirt would hang high above her knees. She held the skirt close to her body, sizing it up and getting an idea of how it would look.

She glanced back in the container, seeing what other surprises awaited her. There were a few sets of pantyhose and a pair of black boots. At the bottom of the box lay a padd, which the Vulcan picked up. She sat down on her bed as she read it. How the uniform was to be worn, what sorts of hairstyles the women should have… but of course, T'pol's hair wasn't long enough to put up in something such as a beehive.

At that moment, the door chime rang, startling the soft quiet in her quarters.

"Come in."

Trip entered, wearing his own new uniform. A bright red shirt seemed to glow in the light that spilled in from the corridor. Black pants were hung just above fresh-smelling black boots.

"What do you think?" He said with a grin.

"It's.…" T'pol hesitated to find the right word. "Dashing."

Trip chuckled. Not a word T'pol usually said.

"Where's your uniform? Have you tried it on yet?"

T'pol raised an eyebrow and nodded to the blue mini skirt she had left on the desk. Trip picked it up, held it out in the air for a moment, before holding it to himself.

"Looks good on me, dontcha think?" Trip joked.

"No." T'pol said truthfully.

With a disappointed smile, he put the uniform down and sat down beside T'pol on the bed, looking over her shoulder at the padd, showing images of different hairstyles.

"That one would look good on you." He said, pointing to a particularly intricate style.

T'pol glanced at him, a slight hint of annoyance in her eyes.

"It's true!" Trip said. He smiled at her, and leaned over to kiss her on the cheek.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

After relaxing for half an hour, Malcolm put his book down on the arm of the grey leather couch in his brightly-lit quarters. Putting his feet down from where they rested against the lid of the metal container, he leaned forward and pried it off. He set aside the bubble wrap, eagerly popping bubbles as he went.

What he took out of the container disappointed him. A bright red shirt, with a black neckline and gold three-pointed star on the chest. He had never seen a uniform such as this before. Wearing this, he'd look like a cherry! Red really was not his colour. Or an apple. Apples are even worse. _No, _he thought, shaking his head. _A tomato._

He plopped the shirt onto the couch beside him and pulled out the next item. Black pants. They looked handsome enough. Setting the pants aside, he pulled out boots, and a padd.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Mayweather smoothed the yellow fabric down across his chest, admiring the strength of the colour and the gold bands that ran along the ends of his sleeves. He inspected himself in his bathroom mirror, flashing grins at his reflection.

Propping his booted foot up onto the counter, he ran a hand over the smooth leather. He wriggled his toes. Lots of room in these boots.

These uniforms were better than the others, in his opinion. They weren't jumpsuits, they weren't covered in zippers, and there was more room at the neck. This uniform made him look important.

With a final wink at the mirror, he left his quarters and headed for the bridge. He was late for night shift.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Doctor Phlox turned around at the sound of the sickbay doors opening. His eyes twinkled at what he saw.

"The new uniform looks very lovely on you, ensign. And I must say, your hairstyle is quite interesting."

Hoshi smiled at the Denobulan's comment on her new blue mini skirt. She could feel her hair, twisted into a beehive, weighing down on her head. She really didn't like beehives at all.

"I couldn't get here without half the men whistling at me." Hoshi said, blushing slightly.

"They had very good reason to, Hoshi." Phlox noticed the ensign's blush and changed the subject. "What's this?" He motioned at the tray of foods Hoshi was holding.

"For the animals." She said, putting the tray down on the counter.

Phlox began to feed the animals and allowed Hoshi to help. She was one of the very few members of the crew who knew what and how to feed his pets.

"So how does it feel to be the only person on the ship who isn't wearing a new uniform?" Hoshi asked.

"Oh, I doubt those uniforms would fit me." He grinned.

"Really? I think you've slimmed down some." Phlox beamed, as Hoshi knew he would. "Anyway." Hoshi said, after giving the last creature the last scrap of food. "I should go. My shift starts soon."

"Alright. Don't forget your Denobulan lesson at 1800 today."

"Aye sir!" Hoshi smiled. She left sickbay and headed for the bridge, followed by a trail of whistles and winking men.


	2. The Skirt

Trip looked up at T'pol from where he lounged on her bed, reading a padd. The Vulcan was sitting at her desk, writing a report for the Captain.

"I have an idea." Trip said, breaking the soft silence.

"Oh?" T'pol said, giving him a small glance. "What kind of idea?"

"A Halloween idea."

T'pol looked at him, putting her report down on the desk. "Halloween?"

Trip smiled. "It's an old Earth event. People, usually kids, would dress up in costumes and go door-to-door and get candy."

"Kids." T'pol said, confused.

"Usually." Trip emphasized.

"Candy?" She said again.

"Ignore that." Trip grinned. "I have an idea that we can do tomorrow, which is Halloween day, that involves only the costume part."

"We?" T'pol asked, not liking Trip's not-so brilliant idea so far.

"Please?" Trip asked, giving her his begging, cute-as-a-puppy face.

T'pol looked at him for a moment, before asking "What do you have in mind?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The next day, two hours before their shift began, T'pol entered her quarters with a metal container in her hands. Trip put the padd down on the desk, and stood to take the container from her hands.

"The quartermaster made larger duplicates of everything to fit you better." T'pol said, and hesitated as Trip took the container from her. "You're sure this is a wise idea?"

"What harm can it do?" Trip asked, smiling mischievously. He pointed to where a bundle lay on her bed. "If you really want to do it."

T'pol gave him a look that was the Vulcan equivalent of 'I am NOT chicken!' She picked up the bundle and stalked away.

"I will change in the bathroom." She said, and disappeared.

Trip smiled happily. It was a great idea he had, but it wasn't worth doing if T'pol wasn't going to join in the fun.

He pried the lid off the box and took out what lay inside. He inspected the blue piece of clothing he pulled out, and put it up to himself to size it up. It was wider than the original version, of course, but it would still be a little too snug.

He pulled it over his head with difficulty. He heard a couple of seams snap, and when he pulled the thing all the way over his body, his snapped off a few loose threads with his fingers

Taking the next item out of the box, he grunted with annoyance as he tried to pull the dark material up his legs. How could women go around wearing these things? Of course, they were made for women.

Next, and last item, was the boots. They were the only thing that fit him comfortably.

T'pol's slim body fit easily into the clothing the Commander had given her. Baggy, but they fit. The boots were loose, but not too loose, the pants a little bit too wide around the waste, but that problem was fixed with the belt the pants came with. The cherry red shirt shone smoothly and loosely around her.

"Are you finished, Commander?" She called out.

Trip grunted an answer. "Yep."

Bracing herself for what she about to see, she went back to the main area of her quarters. She raised an eyebrow at the sight of the Commander, a blue mini-skirt stretched tight around his bulk, dark pantyhose stretched at the point of forming holes. T'pol raised an eyebrow, at a lack for words.

"Is that the Vulcan equivalent of a laugh?"

"Vulcans do not laugh."

"Sure." Trip said with a smile. "Have you had breakfast yet?"

"No."

So they went together to the Mess Hall, Trip smiling at all the amused looks the two got, T'pol emotionlessly ignoring it all.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Archer drummed his fingers on the arm of his chair, annoyed. T'pol was late for her shift, and Lieutenant Hess had reported that Commander Tucker hadn't arrived in engineering yet. If they didn't arrive soon….

At that moment T'pol entered the bridge from the turbo lift. Archer turned, and gaped at what he saw.

T'pol wore a man's uniform, with a baggy red shirt and black pants that hung down over her tall boots.

"T'pol?" Archer asked, at a loss for words.

"Happy Halloween." T'pol said emotionlessly as she sat down at her console.

"What?"

"Happy Halloween. It's an old Earth tradition...." T'pol began to explain.

"I'm familiar with Halloween." Archer cut her off. "Are you saying that you're wearing Trip's uniform as a Halloween gag?"

T'pol nodded with a slight dip of her head.

"What about Commander Tucker?" Malcolm asked from where he sat, amused, at his station. "He isn't wearing your mini-skirt, is he?"

Hoshi covered her mouth at the thought, trying, but not succeeding, to stifle a round of giggles.

This was trouble, Archer knew. Trip was a lady's man, and with him wearing a uniform like that, he'd be surrounded by women by the end of his shift.

"Hoshi, will you go down there and make sure everything's alright?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The usual everyday bustle in engineering slowed somewhat as the engineers slowed to stare at Trip. He had to talk to a few of them to get them going on their way again. Trip hopped up onto the engineering platform beside a stunned Lieutenant Hess. He pulled the end of the skirt down uncomfortably. The thing was tiny, and it bulged around him, making him look… fat.

"Commander…?" Hess asked uncertainly, looking Trip and the blue mini-skirt up and down quizzically.

Trip grinned at her. "Happy Halloween, Lieutenant." He tugged at the black neckline of the mini-skirt to keep it from choking him.

Hess smiled mischievously as she descended down the platform ladder. "Indeed."

When she disappeared, Trip turned to the console in front of him, and read the report Rostov gave him.

It was at that moment that something very embarrassing happened. He had not heard Ensign Sato enter engineering, nor had he heard her creep up the ladder behind him. It was not until he felt the back of the mini-skirt whoosh upward that he knew she there, not even bothering to try and hold back her laughter. At least Rostov made an attempt to not make a sound, but he failed miserably.

"Ensign!" Trip shouted surprisedly, holding the mini-skirt down against his butt. "What did you do?"

"I… flicked up… your skirt!" She said between gasps of laughter.

After a moment she calmed down somewhat and pressed a button on the comm. panel on the side of the console. "Sato to bridge."

Suddenly she shrieked, feeling the back of her own skirt whoosh into the air.

"Ensign? Is everything OK down there?" Archer answered expectantly, though he heard nothing but accented laughter.

"What goes around comes around, Hoshi!" He heard Trip say.

"Oh, you!" Hoshi said, and the comm. line cut off, ending with the ensign's giggles.

**------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Catholic school girls flick each other's kilts all the time. I just had to add it in!**


	3. The Captain's Shirt

**Scooby, this one's for you!**

The rhythmic drum of steaming water against the floor came to an end as Archer stepped out of the shower, wrapping a white towel around his waist. He grabbed a second towel from off a rack and rubbed it through his hair and over his body. With a swift movement of his hand, he quickly rubbed Porthos behind the ears before struggling into his undies, black pants and boots. He put on his green wraparound, hearing a small pop as he thrust his arms through one of the sleeves. Fastening the strap, he brushed his shoulder, and found a rip in the seam. Porthos barked up at him.

"It wasn't your fault." Archer told him. "C'mon."

Porthos followed eagerly as Archer led the way through the corridors to Hoshi's quarters. When they arrived, Archer rang the chime and waited, leaning against the door frame.

The door opened after a moment, revealing Hoshi dressed in civvies. Porthos leaped over the bottom door frame, tail wagging like a flag. Hoshi smiled.

"Thanks for looking after him, Hoshi." Archer smiled as Porthos sniffed around the floor, looking for food. "He seems to like you more than me!"

Hoshi chuckled. "I confess… I give him cheese." Archer made a face of mock surprise. "I can't resist those eyes!"

Archer grinned broadly. "I'll see you in a couple of hours."

As he pulled away from the door frame, a tiny piece of metal that had tangled in the fabric of his shirt ripped the hole bigger with a hiss. Archer untangled the fabric, but the shoulder of his shirt now hung down low, exposing a chunk of hiss chest and shoulder.

"My first time wearing this shirt." Archer said to himself.

"How did that happen?" Hoshi asked. Seeing the piece of metal on the doorframe, she added "That shouldn't be there. I'll get rid of it."

With a final nod and smile, Archer walked off through the corridor towards the quartermaster's office. Stopping in the hallway at the first comm. panel he found, he punched a button to contact the bridge.

"Archer to bridge."

"T'Pol here." Came her distinct emotionless voice.

"I'm going to be a little late getting to the bridge. Say, another ten minutes?"

"Of course sir. Bridge out."

As he continued on his way down the corridors, Archer nodded at the people who passed, some of whom – mainly the females – gave him a look before continuing on. A young girl that Archer recognized from the lower decks grinned broadly in a flirty way as she passed, twirling with the hem of her red mini skirt.

When he finally arrived at the quartermaster's office, he punched the door chime and entered when Lieutenant Zabelle called out for him to enter. He opened the door, and looked around as he entered. Anju Zabelle was sitting at her desk behind the sewing machine, which was whirring away on a blue shirt. Anju's assistant was sitting behind another desk, seeming to dissect the back of a scanner, circuit boards scattered around on the desk. Rows upon rows of clothing hanging from racks lined the walls. Archer recognized clothing used on past away missions, a number of old jumpsuits, and a few copies of T'Pol's old cat suits. But what Archer found most interesting was the number of new uniforms on the racks.

"Why are there so many uniforms in here?" He asked.

"Apparently, the butts rip easily." Archer smirked at her. "So what can I… bad question." She stopped herself as she saw the damage done to the Captain's shirt, and the hum of the sewing machine came to an abrupt end. She stood and came over to him, inspecting the loose threads and damaged fabric.

"This isn't _too _bad." She said finally. "It's just a rip in the hem that'll take just an hour or two to stitch back up." She unbuckled the strap that held his wrap around together, and started to take it off him.

Archer grinned at the expression on her face. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

Anju laughed. "Part of the fun of being a quartermaster is being able to undress all the men!"

Archer chuckled with her, and shrugged off the rest of his shirt.

Anju plopped it down on her desk beside her machine, and went over to one of the shelves of spare uniforms and clothing where she pulled out another wraparound for him to wear.

"Thanks." He said as he tugged it on. "I'll see if I can come back at the end of my shift."

"Alright, Captain." Anju called. He went out in the corridor as the whir of her machine started up again.

* * *

Archer, T'Pol, Reed and Tucker beamed down to the uninhabited planet, on one of the northern continents. A fresh sea breeze greeted them, tangling with the plants that grew wildly around the small clearing they had beamed into.

"It's even better down here than I thought." Archer commented with a smile.

"Sure is paradise!" Tucker added. Reed glanced at him, giving him a 'be careful' look. He was suspicious of everything.

"Let's split up." Archer said, and the four officers wandered off in different directions.

The Captain went off toward the ocean, the sound of thundering waves growing clearer with each step. He breathed in gulps of air and smiled to himself. He glanced up at the sky, blue but with a hint of purple, striped with streamers of white clouds hovering high above. He heard the cry of shore birds as he pushed aside thorny bushes and tall flowers. Burs clutched at his clothing like bees to a nest.

Archer reached a short steep cliff that lead down to the rocky beach. He carefully picked his way down, brushing sand-like dirt out of his eyes that sprayed up beneath his feet and into the wind. When he reached the bottom, he walked along the shore, pausing to investigate things that washed up against the rocks. Seaweed, some odd looking shells, driftwood. Archer put his hand to his forehead to shield his eyes from the sun. What was that, trapped between two rocks? It was round, and boney….

Jonathon hurriedly took the communicator out of a pocket and called for the rest of the away team to locate him and come to his coordinates. In the meantime, he investigated what he had found, picking the pieces up gently.

In a few minutes T'Pol, Reed and Trip were scrambling down the slope and gathered around him. T'Pol took readings with her scanner, Trip looked over his Captain's shoulder, and Reed glanced protectively around, trying to spot any dangers.

"I thought you said this planet was uninhabited." Archer said to T'Pol.

"It is." She answered bluntly.

"What is it?" Tucker asked.

"The skull looks human to me." Archer told him. "I don't know about the rest. The clothes are too rotted to identify them with any species. We'll have to get these bones up to Phlox." He looked at his science officer. "T'Pol?"

"I'm uncertain, Captain. My scanner cannot identify which species this skeleton belongs to." She told him emotionlessly. She smoothed down her blue mini skirt as the wind tried to pick it up.

"Did any of you find anything unusual?" Archer asked.

"Nothing like this." Reed answered, and the other two shook their heads.

Archer pulled out his communicator again. "Away team to Enterprise."

"Enterprise here." Came Travis's voice.

"Have Phlox meet us in transporter room one."

"Aye sir." He answered. "How is it down there?"

"Beautiful, but mysterious."

"Sounds like a good place to tell a couple of ghost stories." Travis smiled.

"It'll have to wait for a while. Archer to transporter room one."

"Rostov here, sir."

"Five to beam up."

The beach shimmered before changing to the transporter room. Phlox was hurrying in to the alcove, taking scans of the bones as soon as they were fully transported.

"I don't recognize this species." Phlox said in a confused, very intrigued voice.

"Welcome to the club." Archer said.

"Will somebody run down to sickbay and get me cot? These bones are old and fragile."

T'Pol nodded and hurried off to sickbay.

Archer looked at Trip and Malcolm. "You two get back to the bridge, scan the planet again. See if you can find people, dead or alive."

"Aye sir." Trip said, and the two red-shirted men went off down the corridor.

"These bones don't seem to be diseased in any way." The Denobulan said. "Though as a precaution I'll stick them in the decon chamber." Archer nodded in agreement.

A few minutes later, T'Pol arrived with the cot, and she helped Phlox and Archer gently lift the bones onto it. When that was done, T'Pol and Phlox headed toward sickbay together, but Archer remained on the transporter platform, brushing the burs off his clothes and pulling out the occasional thorn. On his side there was a large tear where a thorn and bur had gotten tangled with each other. Anju would not be pleased.

"Beam those back down to the planet." Archer ordered Rostov, referring to the burs and thorns that now lay strewn across the platform. Rostov smiled at him in amusement.

* * *

"Another one?" Anju said when Archer brought her his second ripped shirt.

Archer nodded. "Burs and thorns this time."

Anju smiled as she took Archer's shirt and found him a new green wraparound. "If you rip this one, than it's just plain old yellow shirts for you, buster. Either that or find a woman. We know how to take care of our fancy clothes." She sat down behind her machine.

"I'll stick with the yellow shirts." Archer gave her a look before leaving her office, wearing his new shirt.

He went off to his left towards Hoshi's quarters. When he arrived, he rang the door chime and waited, reminding himself not to lean against the door frame, even though he noticed that the little piece of metal was gone.

Hoshi smiled as the door opened. She held Porthos in her arms, who barked happily at the sight of his master.

"Was he good for you?" Archer asked as he took the beagle from her arms.

"He was a gentleman." She stepped out in the corridor with him, dressed in her blue mini skirt.

"I'll be on the bridge in a couple of minutes, I'm just going to stop by my quarters first. Malcolm and Trip are on the bridge, they'll brief you about what's been going on." Archer said, and disappeared down the corridor.

When Hoshi entered the bridge, Malcolm and Trip were talking to each other from across the bridge. Malcolm was at his station, while Trip manned the science station.

"Hey," Trip said when she sat down at her post. "You don't have your hair in one of those fancy beehives."

"I like the classic ponytail better." She grinned at him. "So what's been going on?"

"We went down to the planet, and Captain Archer found a skeleton on the beach." Hoshi put on a face of shock at the Lieutenant's explanation. "We brought it on board, but we can't identify what species it is, though it looks human."

"I really don't think that matters." Trip said. "Vulcans look human. For all I know our skeletal structure could be exactly the same. I can think of a couple of other species that could have similar skeletons to ours, as well."

"So what are you doing now?" Hoshi asked.

"Trying to look for more humanoid life forms, dead or alive." Malcolm said. "So far, we've found nothing."

"Maybe the planet is haunted." Travis said, and his friends grinned at him.

"If we ask the Captain for permission, maybe we can go down there at midnight and cook some marshmallows." Trip said, leaning back in his chair smugly.

Travis chuckled.

"How could that person have been killed?" Hoshi asked.

"Drowning, most likely." Malcolm said. "Though he could have been attacked or poisoned by some underwater creature that caused death. We just don't know yet."

"Question." Travis said, turning his attention away from his console. "If there are more dead bodies, how will you detect them? They have no life, so they don't exactly have life signs."

"I could recalibrate the sensors to detect a certain chemical or material that's found within bones. I don't think that'll help a lot though. Usually the sensors are able to detect skeletons." Trip explained.

"Did they detect the one you found?" Hoshi asked.

Reed shook his head.

"I'm going to send a request to sickbay and ask Phlox for some information about the bones to help the sensors." Trip said, tapping away at the station.

Hoshi turned to her station, searching the planet's surface for any kind of beacon or signal that could be connected to the skeleton.

* * *

Archer plopped down on the bed in his quarters, exhausted from the day's discoveries. Porthos leaped up beside him, tail wagging, and turned in a circle three times before laying down beside his master.

"Me too." Jonathon said, before drifting off to a dreamless sleep.

A small, nearly unnoticeable ripping sound woke the Captain. Porthos was moving about beside him, his mouth working on… something. Archer looked at him, and saw he was playing with a long green string.

"Porthos, where'd that come from?" He asked, trying to find the end of the string. After a moment he discovered that it came from, and was still attached to, his green wraparound.

He sighed in annoyance before cutting it off. "No cheese for you tonight, buddy."

The beagle jumped off the bed and sat down in front of his water dish, where he lapped it up noisily.

Archer looked down at his shirt, where the string had come out. The bottom hem was ruined, and the strap was chewed up. Archer had no idea his shirt tasted so good. To Porthos, anyway.

Archer took off his wrap around and slid into a yellow shirt that he pulled out of the closet. Leaving Porthos in his quarters, he headed for Anju's office, again.

"Three strikes." She said when he arrived and presented her with his shirt. "The hem I can fix, but I can't do anything for the strap. There are tooth holes in it! I'll have to replace it with a new strap, which I'll have to make from scratch." She sighed. "I've got those other two wraparounds fixed up for you." She said, reaching behind her chair and taking the two shirts off a shelf. "I don't want to see another one for at least a week."

Archer took the shirts from her, squeezing her shoulder. "You're busy. You need to get other things done, I know. Put my shirt on low priority." He smiled as he left for the third time.

When he arrived on the bridge, he asked Reed and Trip to report on their findings.

"I recalibrated the sensors to help us detect any more bodies, living or dead, but I came up with nothing. There's no sign that there is or has ever been a civilization down there." Trip said.

"I tried looking for any kind of beacon or distress signal that could be connected to the skeleton, but I didn't find anything." Hoshi reported.

"I used the carbon-dating information to find out if any of the warp trails that lead to the planet were from around the person's time, but the possible warp trails are too old to be of any use." Travis added.

"Phlox has reported that he doesn't know what species the skeleton is. Although it looks very similar to a human, or a Vulcan, he says there are a large number of small differences that set this skeleton aside from any he's seen before. There is no information about it in the Denobulan or Vulcan databases." Reed finished.

"So basically, we're still on square one." Archer said.

"Precisely." T'Pol replied, making Archer jump. He hadn't heard her enter from the turbolift. Trip stood up as T'Pol took her station, and he moved to the engineering console across the bridge.

"I want to take another away team down there. The last mission was cut off too abruptly." He surveyed the bridge. "Hoshi, Travis, T'Pol, you're with me."

* * *

The away team beamed down to the planet for the second time that day. They were about a mile or so east from where the first landing party had beamed down, and they split up immediately. Archer went down toward the shore again; T'Pol went off into the bush, while Hoshi and Travis made their way through tall grass.

After a few minutes Archer arrived at the slope, peering down to find an easier way down. He took his first step forward when he was suddenly flipped through the air by an unseen force. He landed hard, and rolled down the steep slope, unable to stop himself. He stopped when he hit the rocky bottom, dazed. With a groan, he sat up, and spotted a bear-like creature waddling down the hill. Its razor claws appeared slick, with light from the rising sun glinting off them sharply. Archer yelped, stumbling to his feet, but he only managed a meter or two before he slipped on the rocks, barely stopping his fall with his hands.

"T'Pol!" He yelled out, hoping that either the Vulcan's or Hoshi's good hearing would catch his shout.

Archer ran along the beach, the beast now charging close behind him. He fumbled for his communicator, eventually pulling it out. Turning back uphill, he flipped the communicator open.

"Archer to T–" He was cut off by a sudden push, and he fell hard onto the ground. He rolled onto his back to see the creature right behind him, and then everything went black.

He was woken by a sudden, sharp pain on his chest and opened his eyes to behold the light fixtures on the ceiling in sickbay. He looked down at himself, and discovered his shirt was missing and his chest was covered in a weave of swollen scratch marks.

"What… happened?" He asked the air between gritted teeth.

Phlox and T'Pol came into view. "Captain!" Phlox said cheerily. "How do you feel?"

"Like I've slept on a bed of knives." Archer answered.

T'Pol raised an eyebrow as Phlox smiled.

"What happened?" He asked again.

He heard the sickbay doors open before Hoshi came into view as well. She held a yellow bundle in her arms.

"I believe Ensign Sato could better answer your question." T'Pol said.

"What happened!" Archer repeated.

"I heard you shout out T'Pol's name, so I located you with my scanner and found you passed out with some kind of bear-like creature attacking you. I grabbed the nearest stick I could find and started kicking and jabbing at it. Eventually it went away. T'Pol arrived, and she contacted Travis and we came back here." Hoshi explained.

"So why do I feel like I bathed in acid?"

"The creature's claws were covered in some sort of poison or venom. I extracted it all from your system, though I want to keep you here for another 8 hours for observation." Phlox answered.

"If you will excuse me, I am needed on the bridge." T'Pol said. Archer nodded. "Get well soon." She added as she left.

Hoshi remained in sickbay. "Is there something else, Ensign?" Archer asked her.

She nodded, holding up the bundle. "I took this to the quartermaster to see if anything could be done about it, and she said it can't be saved. She wants your permission to use it as a rag."

Archer winced in annoyance. "How badly is it damaged?"

"Well…." She unfolded the bundle and held it up by the shoulders for Archer to see. His shirt was dirty and covered with a criss-crossing spider's web of rips and tears. Loose threads hung down all over the place, and blood stained most of the front of the once-bright shirt.

"She's going to wash it first, right?"

Hoshi smiled. "Aye, sir."

"Tell her she has my permission." Hoshi nodded and left.

The Captain sighed. "Anything new about the skeleton?" He asked the Doctor.

"I am still unable to identify it. The bones were beamed back down to the surface a couple of hours ago, and they should be exactly where you found them. Not all questions have answers, Captain." He added when he saw Archer's disappointed look. "We left the system a few minutes ago, just so you know."

Archer nodded and sighed. A long, thoughtful pause followed. Phlox moved about the sickbay, reaching for different things on the counters and reading the monitors. Archer stared up at the blank ceiling.

"Shirts have never given me so much trouble before in my life." He said after a while.

Phlox turned to him. "I'm sure most of the female crewmembers would agree with me if I suggested you try _not_ wearing a shirt." Phlox grinned

Archer shot a look at Phlox, but that only made his smile brighter. Archer chuckled to himself, eventually falling asleep as he relaxed on the biobed.


End file.
